Seeing how this is the without question truthful account of my life, I cannot lie to you – nay, will not lie to you. The last thing I need are historians in the year 2540 forming a committee to determine which events are true and which are sprinkled with the fine seasoning called embellishment. It’s not fair to anyone involved. So it’s important to me to accurately portray my true thoughts and emotions upon being told that Ma Pritchett was dead and I was going to marry the hottest girl in the history of human creation.
OH MY GOD MA PRITCHETT IS DEAD!
I have to kiss her? UGH!
I need to learn how to kiss!
As Fred carried me off to the great unknown, I could hear a cornucopia of loud voices. It sounded like an argument, but since I could not speak Denmarkese I couldn’t be sure. What I did know was that Fred might be part monster. His right arm had fully engulfed my body with ease, leaving his left arm to hang quietly as he walked. On this left arm was something awe-inspiring. His left hand looked like someone had stuck a bicycle pump into his thumb and started pumping. There were random hairs extending from each of his massive fingers and a briar patch on the back of his palm. His finger nails looked like the tops of garbage cans and his cuticles were as big as corn stalks. My soon to be seven year old eyes shifted their focus from his hand to his arm, and were shocked to see nothing out of the ordinary about it. Everything looked normal, except for the ninety inch flat screen television attached to the wrist.
Apparently Fred was used to the open mouth staring and casually remarked how he was awesome at shadow puppets. Of course I had no idea what a shadow puppet was, because I spent almost my entire life either living in a tree or pretending to be furniture.
We reached a door, which Fred’s left hand had trouble opening due to the regular sized knob at the end. With much huffing and puffing, Fred put me down, instructed me not to move and then used his right hand, which was as normal a hand as one can possibly have to open the door. As soon as the door opened a crack, light flooded in, temporarily blinding me. Before I knew what was happening I was thrown in and heard the door shut. Unable to gather my bearings, I stumbled around for a bit, my eyes overwhelmed by the intensity of the light. With no relief in sight, I fell to the floor and buried my head inside my shirt. Suddenly I heard a crackling and a voice came over what I now know was a P.A. Back then I would have believed it was the voice of God, or the light itself. But it was just Fred and his freakish left hand, instructing me over a microphone.
First I was told to remove my head from my shirt and shut my eyes as tight as possible. Next, Denmark law stated I must remove all my clothing. They have tremendous laws against any and all types of child predators, thus Fred not being allowed inside with me, and the prevention of being video taped, due to the intense light. Once I was naked, I was to search the room until I found a table, on which I would find the clothes fit for the man who was marrying the Princess, as well as a sword.
The sword meant there was also a catch.
Inside this room was a specially trained polar bear named Phil. Apparently the Denmarkians are a disturbed peoples, because Phil was trained to eat the special treasure found between the legs of every man.
In other words, Phil was trained to eat my penis.
If I could find the clothes in time, I would also find the sword. This sword would allow me to then find and kill Phil the Polar Bear. Twenty six men, of varying ages and sizes had attempted to find the clothes, the sword and kill Phil and all twenty six men had failed. Their penises were strewn about all over the room. If I was lucky, I might even trip over one of them.
Welcome to the game contestant number twenty seven – Tom Starita!
In a lifetime of odd events, this one had risen immediately to top three. The Denmarks were against sex predators, so they put me alone in a room that was too bright to video tape and told to strip. I was then to search the room naked, for a table containing my new clothes while at the same time a specially trained polar bear named Phil would be searching for me as well, and trying to eat my penis.
Terror gripped my throat and I wanted to scream, before realizing I would be doing Phil a favor. Instead, I slapped my mouth shut with my left hand, while I used my right hand to feel around for the table. This strategy changed seconds later, when I realized that perhaps the best use of my left hand would not be over my mouth, but instead over my special treasure. The light seemed to gain in intensity as I pathetically made my way around the room. After a few feet I would stop and listen for a growl or perhaps some deep breathing.
A couple of times my toes touched an object lying on the ground. I refused to entertain what it might possibly be and kept going. Time clicked away as I continued my search. It might have been ten minutes, maybe only thirty seconds. Regardless, at some point in time my forehead introduced itself to a blunt object and I let out a soft AH before biting down on my tongue. I stretched my right hand out as far as possible but still felt nothing. In frustration I extended my hand upwards and hit something hard above me. It was then that my six year old mind processed what was happening.
There was a table with clothes and a sword in this room.
I was the twenty seventh guy who had come to find the objects.
I was also probably the first six year old sent on this quest.
Therefore, not only was I short enough to walk under the table, but most likely too short to wear the clothes or grip the blade.
Things weren’t looking good, and at the same time I had a penis eating polar bear named Phil bearing down on me.
The one thing I couldn’t do was panic so I took a deep breath and tried to think logically.
If there was a table, perhaps there were also chairs!
Three minutes later, (give or take) I glumly came to the conclusion there were no chairs. Feeling my way above me, I once again located the table. Removing my left hand off my special place, I reached around till I found the edge. It’s very rare for someone to remember their first pull up, but I’ll never forget mine. With much determination I pulled my way up until I found myself on top of the table. From there it didn’t take long to find shoes, socks, a pair of boxers, pants, an undershirt, a regular long sleeved shirt and what felt like a helmet.
Of course they were all made for an adult, not a six year old child.
And despite my best intentions, I was making a hell of a lot of noise.
Quick thinking resulted in me wearing the two shirts like a nightgown, and letting the helmet protect the upper half of my body. All I had to find now was the sword and I..
Any semblance of hair I had on my body stood on end and I felt my heart thump its way from my chest into my butt, which resulted in a big pile of doody left by yours truly on the table.
I tried moving away from the noise, and finding the sword but instead the growl grew louder and closer. In seconds it would be upon me and I would be dead and in its belly. This thought made me cry and in that cry I twisted to my left, knocking myself off the table, as well as hearing a loud crash come down next to me. I laid there, out of breath, and reached for whatever fell next to me while at the same time I heard an impossible scream and felt the table above me shudder with the weight of Phil coming down on it.
Of course he also came down on the doody.
Which caused him to slip and fall off the side.
While at the same time I had finally managed to lift whatever had fallen off the table up.
So that when Phil, the penis eating polar bear fell he landed directly on top of me.
And the object held directly above me in my hands.
I could feel hot liquid pouring through the eye holes and mouth of the helmet and felt my stomach lurching forward. As I fought off the intense desire to ralph, I felt a terrible shaking and a low whine coming out of Phil.
I could also feel my body was crushed by this enormous polar bear.
While the light was still intensely bright in the room, the lights inside my head were dimming out. My hands remained tightly gripped around the object, which was now implanted firmly inside Phil and an odd thought passed through my mind. Is this crushing sensation the same as what Mr. Beard felt before he choked to death on his beard? I wanted to yell, but didn’t have enough air in my lungs to let out a squeak. Before I passed out (maybe for good) I heard the voice.
You are now worthy to marry the Princess