Chapter 12 – The Pink Orchid

Let me tell you something, I still get the creepy crawlies whenever I think about that half owl half man whooting long and hard into the night. I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing and weaving up and down his long, crusted neck. His blue eyes rolled to the back of his head, yet his arms and legs stood perfectly still. If I had to pick one word to describe the seconds I had to endure during this time frame, I would easily choose, “off-putting.”

Okay, that’s technically like a word and half. But currently I’m on a bus to Des Moines, Iowa to defend my Mr. Canada championship against James Earl Jones. Don’t worry, it’s a long story and we have plenty of time to get there. As for right now, you were looking to hear what happened next…..
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Chapter 11 – War Is Coming

The ground was seconds away and I braced for impact. Whatever happened next would not be pretty, of this I was sure of. Throwing my hands over my eyes I waited to hear the inevitable bone snapping sounds echoing throughout my body. Instead, I felt my feet hit the ground without pain, surprising me enough to cause me to tumble forward, and then completely down a grassy embankment. Fifteen minutes later I came to a halt flat on my back at the bottom of a dank grassy ravine. Somehow, someway, lady luck had reached out and saved me from certain demise. Or maybe it had everything to do with the window being on the first floor. Regardless, I was alive, filthy and in need of a plan.
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Chapter 10 – My Pussycat

The events following the death of Phil are somewhat a blur. I know that as soon as the voice spoke, there was a loud click and the blinding light disappeared. Of course I still couldn’t see anything because my field of vision was impaired by the massive helmet covering not only my face but half my body. Next, I heard the door open and a torrent of foot steps come flooding into the room. I felt random hands lift off my polar bear blanket, and I could feel other hands scoop up my limp frame and carry me off to God knows where. From there everything went black.
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Chapter 9 – The One Involving Phil

Seeing how this is the without question truthful account of my life, I cannot lie to you – nay, will not lie to you. The last thing I need are historians in the year 2540 forming a committee to determine which events are true and which are sprinkled with the fine seasoning called embellishment. It’s not fair to anyone involved. So it’s important to me to accurately portray my true thoughts and emotions upon being told that Ma Pritchett was dead and I was going to marry the hottest girl in the history of human creation.
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Chapter 8 – The Fine Art of Tonguing Down

Queen Briana was used to getting her way. From the moment her little nine year old feet slowly walked down the aisle to meet her husband, the now King Harold, her life had been a storybook. The world was there for her to use, to command, to obtain and right now what she wanted more than anything else was to meet the little boy talking with the delightful black woman on the screen. Queen Briana hollered for her royal assistant, Fred and told him to set up a meeting at once.
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Intermission

The next post probably won’t be up till this weekend

But if you’re new here and want to see what the hype is all about scroll to the bottom and work your way up.

Someday I’ll figure out how to set up proper links…

till then enjoy my REAL life

TOM

Chapter 7 – Beatnik doesn’t mean “great lawyer” in French

My fifteen minutes of fame had begun. All three major channels used me as their lead story night after night. Walter Kronkite said my story affected him more than Vietnam. Tom Brokaw tried to form a bond with me based on our shared name. Since my last name is Starita, not Brokaw, I rejected his advances. Peter Jennings offered to fly me to Winnipeg, Canada in coach if I gave him an exclusive. USA Today ran a poll in their paper showing that 63% of Americans would use me as a grandfather clock, 38% as a bear skin rug and only 13% as an ashtray. Eleven years before the O.J. trial, and fifty something years since the Lindbergh baby trial, my life as an ottoman had captivated the nation.
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