Ever since I was a little Tom Starita I was aware that my mind worked differently than others. I could contort my fingers and see faces in them. For the longest time I was convinced I could see “air.” I’m a big believer in clearing my head by taking long, hot baths.
Yesterday (or three years ago depending on when you’re reading this…OHHHHH TIME TRAVEL) on the local Twitter site the following came out of me randomly like a painted garage.
If there was an Olympic sport for fetching a rope & running around the apt like a lunatic my dog would finish somewhere between 5th and 8th
She wouldn’t win obviously because the russian dogs would be filled with steroids
I would totally watch a movie about a russian dog at the olympics all steroided up & in the end he admits he cheated & meets his dream bitch
Tom Arnold could totally voice the russian dog…..and for the dream bitch I’m thinking someone cute and sexy – like Kathy Lee Gifford
Coming this fall from PIXAR: a story of a dog and a dream – Tom Arnold is… Chechnya
Now I don’t know why those thoughts came to me, nor do I really understand my need to share them with others. To me the reason why it’s funny is because I’m picturing a dog voiced by Tom Arnold trying to do a Russian accent. I don’t know if it’s funny to you. Hell my wife admits to not getting my shit half the time, although the half she does get she goes nuts for. At the same time I don’t care. I think weird thoughts and for me, before the resurrection of the Gots my only true outlet was Twitter.
My name is TStar888 and I am a Twitter junkie.
Forget Twitter for a second; I want to go back to those thoughts above. I would totally watch that movie. I would sit down and become emotionally involved with Chechnya. I would cackle in delight as the other dogs from different countries at first hate Chech (his nickname) because they knew he was taking steroids. At the end though they would befriend him when, right before the big rope fetching race Chechnya would give a big speech admitting his wrong doing, apologizing to his fellow competitors and biting Vladimir Putchnakov – the evil Russian trainer in the ankle when Vlad freaks out and attacks the dog. The movie would end with Chech and the Australian breed, voiced by Kathy Lee Gifford and doing a horrible Australian accent paw and paw with the sun setting behind them.
BOOM I just wrote a hit movie.
That’s what I do here at the Gots. I write stuff. Some of you just read the above and with tears in your eyes declared me the modern day Walt Disney. Others just left the page to check out the latest porn updates on redtube.
Do I care that within the first three hours here at Goppygots.com I had forty six thousand unique visitors?
Do I care that most likely forty five thousand nine hundred and sixty of them will most likely never come back?
Umm kind of.
So, you’re wondering to yourself, what is the general motif here at Goppygots?
Well Grand Inquisitor, the best way to answer your question is to refer back to the video I put up on Wednesday. That simple three minute music video says everything I need to say as a 33-year-old somewhat adult white male living in Dirty Jersey. It’s a six-year-old quaint pop Danish song about a fat kid singing on a yacht while a disinterested young girl looks off in the distance and at the same time children who were paid to act excited celebrate wildly around him on a beach. To really sell the point that this kid is a huge star, two somewhat coordinated back-up dancers—who probably learned their steps six minutes before the video was shot—shake their barely pubescent parts behind him.
*BWOOOP BWOOOOP SANDUSKY ALERT BWOOOOP BWOOOP*
Little fun fact for you guys out there in the world wide webz, do you know who that fat Danish kid grew up to be?
That’s right, THE Zac Ephron.
The lesson for those who can’t read between the lines is to follow your dreams, buy off the people you need to and one day you’ll own a big fancy yacht with a woman who could care less to be around you.
I am that singer…
Goppygots is my yacht…
And you, my faithful reader are the disinterested little girl.
See you Monday for the RETURN of “The Unquestionably False Yet Undeniably True Story of TOM Starita.”
Tom has hopes and dreams and most of them occur inside a steaming hot bathtub. If you’d like to follow his now public Twitter account check out @tstar888. If you want to be friends with him on the facebook it’s kind of obvious how to find him so he doesn’t feel the need of including some sort of link. Finally, if you’re looking to gamble this weekend and want to know who Tom likes so you can bet the opposite Tom is betting all the dogs, Giants, 49ers, Texans and Broncos. He feels you can’t bet against a guy who might be starring in the first reality Disney movie and probably a future President, Mr. Tim Tebow.