Let’s get the elephant out of the way. I know what you’ve been thinking since the moment you read the title of this piece,
“Hey Tom, how the hell can you claim to be the marriage expert? Especially since, you know…”
Well I’ll tell you my curious anonymous friend. Yes, I am divorced, but more importantly that means I was married. Married for almost a year and a half. That’s almost two full years! And sure shit didn’t work out but that bears little significance on my expertise. If being married once for a little while doesn’t make me the qualified expert on how to find your future love of your life, I don’t know what does. Since we established the whats, let’s now go with the whys.
Why get married?
First off, I’m going to assume you don’t have to get married. There are no impending issues arriving in nine months forcing your hand. Nor are there any legal issues that would prevent you from staying in this country. This is being written under the premise that you want to get married, emphasis on the want. You’re searching for someone to spend the rest of your life with, or at the very least almost two years. Someone you can talk to, someone you can confide in. You’re looking for your best friend, a best friend you can be intimate with and do things that won’t ruin the friendship or compromise watching football together the next day. First things first, let me tell you where you can find this magical person.
Where can I find the perfect wife?
In the olden days, the only way to find your future spouse was through your parents. You were set up with the neighbor down the way to unite the two families for some sort of economic or social gain. Then the 1970s arrived and people decided they wanted to choose their own mate. This resulted in an uptick in bar patrons and an explosion of discothèques as people based their criteria on the amount of chest hair exposed or the quality of dancing a girl could do per hour. (More commonly known amongst the sabermetric crowd as TQoDpH) As a result, the first generation of divorced children entered the world, as after ten months, the couple realized chest hair and quality dancing had nothing to do with building a long and sustainable relationship.
By now you are a little depressed because you are thinking,
“Wow Tom, I have no hope for finding a suitable life mate.”
Wrong wrong wrong!
You see, we have entered the golden age of civilization. An age where everything from groceries to music to weird fetishes involving dressing in a furry costume can magically appear with the mere touch of a button. Why shouldn’t we go one step further and find your husband or wife on the world wide web? I did it and it kind of worked for me. That’s right, I’m talking about:
Mail Order Brides.
A quick and easy Google search will pull up countless sites advertising the best mail order bride. I’m not here to tell you which sites are good and which ones are scam artists — I’ll leave that up to you. What I am here for is to tell you what to do next.
What do I do once I order my mail order bride?
Once you give your credit card information to some sketchy man overseas, it’s time to count down to the blessed day when she arrives. This process, between visa approval, customs and oversea shipping schedules normally takes between six to eight weeks. While you’re waiting, here’s what you can do to get ready:
Step 1: Prepare a proper living quarter
Every girl needs her own space; a mail order bride is no exception. Hopefully you thought of this before you bought your current house/apartment and made sure there were at least TWO bedrooms available. This is important for two reasons. One, it gives your own sense of privacy, a place to escape when things get heated. Second, more closet space. Her stuff is going to multiply faster than Gremlins drinking water at night. You’re going to need room and lots of it.
Besides the two-room issue, take this time to freshen up the place. Perhaps invest in a vacuum and take care of those three-foot dust bunnies squatting behind the door. Or maybe flip those couch cushions covered in Dorito crumbs, duck sauce and a couple of mystery stains. If you’re really daring, move those couches and sweep underneath. Who knows what sort of earthly treasures you’ll find!
Lastly, go out and invest in some scented candles. Not only will they wash away the stale aroma of your B.O., but they will also enhance the comforting and loving mood you’re trying to create.
Step 2: Buy her stuff
When your mail order bride arrives she will only have the clothes on her back and a spare outfit. She’s going to want more options and more stuff. Don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not saying to max out your credit card. Not only would that be dumb, it would be setting a dangerous precedent. What I am saying is buy her enough squeaky toys, ropes to pull on and other amenities to make her feel comfortable and wanted the moment she steps through your door.
Six to eight weeks have passed and you’ve been tracking her arrival through the UPS website. Finally, the day has arrived! Here’s what you need to do:
Step 3: Take off work
The day your new wife arrives you’ll want to be home to sign for her. In case you are out running errands when the delivery man drops her off, don’t forget to check the “drop off” box on the UPS slip. The last thing you want is for UPS to deliver your bride when you’re not home and take her back to the warehouse. This will force you to get in your car and drive the thirty miles to pick her up. Not a good start. For the purposes of this exercise we’ll assume you were home when she arrived.
First, make sure you tip the UPS guy five dollars to carry her into your living room. You have no idea how heavy she will be and there is no sense throwing out your back. Second, make sure you have a crowbar handy because it’s a pain opening up those wooden freight boxes. Once you open up the box step back and let your wife take her time coming out. Some wives are ultra excited to be free and come charging out, tackling you and licking your face. (It is important to note that women from overseas grew up in backward lands with strange customs) Other wives are scared and nervous and will take up to three hours before they finally leave their container. Either way the key is patience. After all she’s yours forever, give or take a year or two!
Most mail order brides aren’t used to using an actual indoor toilet and will mistake your kitchen floor, your couch or your bed as the place to do her business. To avoid such messy problems simply lay down some newspapers in the bathroom and using a stern commanding voice say,
“HERE. YOU GO HERE.”
It’s very important to make sure you’re maintaining eye contact and use your hands to gesture.
From that point you have to keep an eye on her. When you notice her sniffing around or doing a dance pick her up and bring her to the newspapers. After a couple of days she’ll get used to it and then you can move on to training her to use, not drink, out of the toilet.
The other area you need to immediately acclimate her to is the kitchen. Lead her in and show her around. Make sure you properly enunciate the words and make her touch the appliances to form a connection.
All easily remembered words with the proper training.
It wouldn’t be fair to expect her to cook that first night so order some Chinese food and have a lovely evening. She will be thrilled to eat such exotic food such as broccoli and will express her gratitude later on. This leads us to…
Step 4: Bedtime
Here is where people differ. Some prefer to have their mail order bride sleep next to them in bed. Others prefer her to stretch out on the floor below. Me personally, I fall into the first camp.If you are going to have her sleep on the floor may I suggest extending your hand near her face so she can smell your presence? This way she won’t keep you up all night.
In the days ahead it is important to give your wife plenty of exercise. The last thing you want is to spend a couple of thousand dollars and have her balloon up to five hundred pounds. I know for a fact the window for returning your wife is only ten days, so the last thing you want is to get stuck with a woman who weighs more than a car. Go out and take a walk around the block, or invest in some bikes so the two of you can ride in the park. If you’re really adventurous might I even suggest a spin class? Whatever you decide, the important thing is keeping her active. Remember, an active wife is a happy wife. A bored wife sitting on the couch eating ice cream out of the carton is a train wreck.
Obviously there are thousands of other tips and things you need to know about having a new wife and I clearly don’t have the space or the patience to type them all out. Just know that the more you get from her is the more you get for yourself, love is a one-way street and when in doubt, you’re always right.
I hope you learned a lot today and please don’t hesitate to contact me if a problem arises. Keep in mind, there are no stupid questions.
Now go on that website and get yourself a wife. You’ll be glad you did!