The Dunk Tank

The gleaming, converted red fire truck made the left onto Jefferson Place and slowly crept its way down the sleepy residential street. The driver remembered the block from a previous encounter. “If this particular street was a painting,” she thought to herself, “it would be titled The suburban cliché. From the cookie-cutter houses laid out perfectly on either side of the street to the rows of Norway maple trees putting the punctuation mark on every home, down to the perfectly manicured lawns. All that was missing were fireworks and the American flag.

The hot late afternoon sun reflected off the truck’s worn paint and illuminated every dent and scratch in all their glory. It seemed as if the entire truck was covered with evidence of a long life except for two panels, one on each side. The “3 Strikes” logo, written in a striking burnt orange script was perfectly centered in the middle of a black tank. Drops of ocean blue water hung over the tank as if they were suspended in time. Encapsulating the design was a clean white circle. Her partner Ronnie was quite proud of his artwork, which he was fond of pointing out whenever he could. As the truck came to a stop in the middle of the road, the breaks gave off a slight whine. “Well if they didn’t hear us coming, they will now,” Randi thought to herself.

Giving herself a quick glance in the rearview mirror, Randi brushed her dirty blonde hair away from her green eyes. “Don’t worry, you’re beautiful,” Ronnie said with the slight hint of sarcasm. Ignoring his quip, she applied a thin coat of lip gloss and smacked her lips in delight. At the same moment Ronnie slid out of the passenger seat, in a worn white t-shirt and orange bathing suit, opened the door and made his way up the outside ladder. Climbing the seven rung ladder was a breeze by now and within seconds he grabbed the top rung. His slightly pudgy frame made it over the railing and just like that he was sitting down, awaiting his public. Randi could hear him up top and with a deft touch, she ran her once manicured fingers over the radio dial and turned up the volume. Seconds later, the entire block was flooded with the melodic voices of ABBA and like gophers on the plain; the tiny faces of children began popping up from all corners. Children who had no idea what an ABBA was nevertheless knew the familiar strains of “Take a Chance on Me” and what that meant.

The Dunk Tank was here!

Randi could hear the shrieks of glee come pouring forth and could already count the green in her hands. She picked up the colorful wooden cartoon character pelican, who told potential customers they had to remain behind his purple bill and placed him on the street, ten feet away from the truck. She turned her head towards the back and shouted, “You ready Ronnie?”

Take a chance, take a chance…

“Are you kidding me? This is like Christmas for me! Especially after the last time.” His booming voice had no problem being heard over the melodic chanting of ABBA.

Randi giggled and remembered the last time Ronnie “entertained” the inhabitants of Jefferson Place. At the onset, the arrival of this curious looking fire truck, combined with the music radiating forth from its speakers had drawn the folks in for a look. On further review, the inhabitants saw an Italian man with a paunch in his mid-twenties sitting above a pool of what might be water. In those first few moments, smiles and joy were abundant as children and elderly folk alike all gathered around to see what was what. Cheer and joy were the currency of the day and the only thing that could spoil the moment was Ronnie himself, or more specifically, his mouth. A mouth that had flipped the day on its ear and infuriated the inhabitants of Jefferson Place to the point they almost overturned the truck. If the police hadn’t arrived God only knows what would have happened to them.

“Okay, I see a door opening to my left. It’s go time.”

Ronnie looked down at his two-foot perch. It had been awhile since he swept the floor clean of the dirt his flip flops had collected and deposited. His Hamilton MM3 megaphone (complete with lime green lampshade) sat silently next to his left foot. He loved his Hamilton as much as Randi, or more – depending on the day.

Like a maestro preparing to conduct his latest symphony, Ronnie cracked his knuckles, cleared his throat and clicked on his megaphone.

“I’m sorry, sir. I thought after the last time we talked you would be wearing a dress.”

The man in question, a Chinese gentleman in his late forties, narrowed his eyes in anger. He would not be surprised this time, nor would he be rattled by that obnoxious prick sitting on his perch. The father of one muttered an obscenity to himself and made a beeline for the truck.

“To be honest I have to admit, I respect you. Any man willing to embarrass himself in front of his friends and family deserves some admiration.” Ronnie was now standing up, his bright orange bathing suit fluttering in the breeze. His belly peaked out from his slightly stained white t-shirt. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Hey, Randi, do me a favor. Give this guy over here, the one mincing towards your door, three free throws. Don’t charge this man one dollar. It’s the least we could do for taking his pride.”

Other doors had opened and a crowd would soon be forming.

“Hey, Jim. If you don’t shut him up I will. Knock this guy on his ass!” shouted his next door neighbor.

“Yeah, Jimmy, drown that creep!” said the same neighbor’s wife.

Randi put the truck in park and grabbed the bucket of lime green softballs on the passenger seat.

“Well, sir what will it be? Would you like three freebies?”

“You’re damn right I want those balls. I’m going to drop him in that filthy water and then I’m going to peg him between the eyes with my other two throws.”

“Yeah, Jimmy!” said Mr. Morrison, the block’s resident historian.

“Get that jerk!” eight-year-old Billy Morgan shouted with more anger than an eight year old should have, before being admonished for his language by his embarrassed mother.

Randi laughed, climbed out of the truck and took the bucket of softballs with her. Walking towards the back of the dunk truck she said, “Now sir, remember this is all fun and games. Remain behind the pelican at all times. You can dunk my partner all you want, but you can’t maim him.”

“Don’t worry about a thing, Randi. We could give this guy fifty balls and the results will be the same. I’ll sit here on my throne nice and dry, and baldy will depart just as he arrived—a loser.” Ronnie was almost cackling in delight.

The man in question—Jimmy, had had enough. “Give me those balls! You’re going down, asshole.”

“Remember folks, if you want your chance to shut my partner up its ten dollars for three balls,” Randi reminded the crowd as she handed Jimmy the three balls.

“How about this, Randi – if anyone else wants to try and knock me down, and by a miracle they happen to do it, we’ll refund their money!”

A loud murmur went up from the block and Randi looked at Ronnie quizzically. “You’re that confident nobody here can shut you up?”

“Damn right I am, starting with this virgin doing what he does best—juggling balls in his hands.”

The crowd, growing feverish with excitement, was now cheering on their fellow neighbor to hurry up so they could get a chance. Jimmy stood there, drilling a hole into this stranger who had decided to come into his life and torment him as if he was in high school again.

Ronnie Telemundo sat on his perch, what he referred to as his “throne” and laughed some more. He was already imagining what he would say to the man after he missed on his third try. In a high pitched voice Ronnie pretended to beg.

“Please, sir, please! I was only saying those horrible words in jest. Please don’t send me to the dirty depths below. I might catch cold or worse! Hey, Randi, when was the last time we cleaned out the tank?”

Randi stood leaning against the side of the truck. Despite the time of day the sun was still bearing down and she tried to hide in narrow field of shade. She wiped her forehead with the back of her right hand and without looking up at him casually asked,

“What month is it?”

“August.”

“Then I’d say October of 92.”

The crowd laughed and had gathered even closer around the truck. They wanted to see the dirty, grimy pond water this loud mouthed fool would be swimming in. The old fire truck, now dunk truck was outfitted with clear glass to allow the very privilege. For those who were close enough, they could see what looked to be green water swishing back and forth. No doubt some form of malaria had made its home down there. The sides of the pool were lined with old water marks and dead bugs. A squeal came out of little Suzy Yacacono when she saw the water beetle climbing up the inside of the pool wall.

Ronnie could look into each and every one of their wide eyes. If this played the way he thought it would, he and Randi would be laughing straight to the next block. He climbed around to the edge of the truck and found little Suzy.

“Do you really want to see me swimming with those slimy, yucky bugs?” he asked with his face crinkled up in disgust.

“Yes!” came her immediate reply and the good folks of Jefferson Place all laughed. A couple even gave her a high five and smiled in agreement.

With an exaggerated pantomime, Ronnie stood up and signaled time out.

“Fine. If you guys really want to see me in there, in that filth you have to let me mentally prepare. I mean, if by the divine hand of God himself, this guy, or probably somebody else, knocks me down I want to be prepared.”

Ronnie stood up and began to stretch his arms. He shook his head back and forth, ran his fingers through his hair and sat back down. Putting his hands out in front of them, so that everyone could see, he opened and closed his fists twice. Then, quite slowly, he reached behind his back, waited a moment or two to heighten the drama and produced a copy of War and Peace he had hidden under his shirt. With the flourish of an old stagehand, he found his bookmark and opened the book.

“Okay, now I’m ready. I figure I can finish twenty pages in the time it takes good Mr. Personality over here to make a fool out of him-“

His last word was interrupted by the clank of a softball hitting the back wall, a good six inches to the left of the slightly rusted bulls-eye. A disappointed OHHH came out of his neighbor’s mouths.

Ronnie choked on his spit and the laughter that managed to come out was both loud and cruel. ”Are you kidding me? You thought you’d sur-“

Once again Ronnie’s sentiments were cut off by the smack of a softball, this time a mere two inches south of the target. The ball was thrown with such furious anger it almost ricocheted into the crowd. A louder AWWWWW rose up from the mob.

“One more, buddy. One more, pal.” His over-enunciated speech made the perfect partner along with his Cheshire grin. “One more reminder of how instead of playing baseball as a kid you took up ballet.” Ronnie stood up and did his best impression of a pirouette. Despite their best efforts, some of those gathered in the crowd chuckled.

Jimmy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened them and narrowed his gaze on the red dot directly in the middle of the bulls-eye. There would be no more jokes, no more comments from the asshole sitting on his dumb chair ten feet away. This time he would drop him. He might not even say anything afterwards. Just turn and walk back in his house so that if he managed to come out of the water in time he could see the back of his Levi 501s. Let the cheers erupting from the crowd do the talking for him. His lips pursed into a tight smile. This was it. He could hear his neighbors cheering him on with encouragement. It was hero time.

“Hey, friend, stop thinking about your next door neighbor so we can let somebody else try and fail.” Ronnie looked for Randi’s face and gave her a knowing wink. She merely rolled her eyes and waited like everyone else to see what would happen.

Jimmy rolled the ball in his right hand and slowly brought it back behind him. With a mighty step he cocked his arm back and upon releasing exclaimed with the frustration of years of embarrassment pouring forth, “I’m not your friend!”

From the moment the lime green ball left his hand it looked to be a picture perfect throw. It felt right, sounded right, it was right!

Until it was wrong.

Jimmy’s lime green softball traveled the necessary ten feet needed, with enough velocity to cause the bull-eye to go off, sending Ronnie Telemundo to a date with whatever floated below. Yet somehow, the ball barely skimmed over the top edge of the painted metal tin. He might have missed the bulls-eye by the width of an eyelash!

Perhaps Jimmy didn’t account for the slight change in wind speed, or the drop in the barometric pressure. Maybe a drop of sweat fell into his left eye, obscuring his vision for a crucial millisecond. Or could it have to do with the sun peeking out from the clouds at the exact moment Jimmy released his throw. All these are valid reasons, perfectly reasonable hypothesizes as to why Ronnie Telemundo somehow, someway stayed in a seated position.

Of course if Jimmy, and the rest of his neighbors on Jefferson Place, were made aware of the small detail of Ronnie’s left heel tapping a button before Jimmy made his first throw, thereby shutting off the switch that would cause Ronnie to fall into the water, maybe then they would understand. Whatever the reason, Jimmy had thrown his last ball and Ronnie remained high and dry.

Ronnie stretched War and Peace high above his head and read out loud, “Vera, she said to her eldest daughter who was evidently not a favorite, how is it you have so little tact? Don’t you see you are not wanted here? Go to the other girls,” With an ounce of delirium he began laughing and then placed the book behind his back before jumping up in ecstasy. “Oh no oh no oh no oh no! You failed again! Unbelievable! Buddy you failed again! I’m going to start calling you Vera! Vera, how is that possible? Go away Vera! You are not wanted here!”

Without saying a word, Jimmy walked away from the truck.

“Would somebody please shut this guy up!” the anger in the voice of Mr. Morrison was plain as day.

“Yeah, where’s Ben? He’s got a good arm,” said Mrs. Claiborne.

“Yeah, Dad can do it!” shouted Ben’s overly excited twelve-year-old son.

Ronnie had sat back down and was once again reading. “People please! Could you keep it down? I’m trying to enjoy the intricacies of War and Peace and your shouting is not helping matters.” Ronnie paused, looked at the crowd and nonchalantly exclaimed, “Besides, isn’t your friend Ben just another version of our last contestant Vera? You know, overweight, not that bright with a cheesy thin mustache hiding your green teeth?”

Those assembled went to answer back before Ronnie interjected with one more sentence, “Or am I thinking of his wife?”

Shouts of rage arose from the din. If Ronnie didn’t piss them off previously, now they had hit their collective breaking point. The crowd rapidly began to produce ten dollar bills and shake their fists high to the heavens. Every man, woman and child each demanded to go first. Randi tried to keep some semblance of order, while making change for the widow Mrs. Foley. It would be a long night for the residents of Jefferson Place.

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The Surprise

The date progressed like the countless others had since the divorce. She was nice, she was sweet, the conversation was harmless and there wouldn’t be a second one. This line of thinking drove Edgar crazy. Why couldn’t he appreciate the nice, sweet, talkative woman sitting across from him picking away at her crème brulee? Why was he so hung up on Wendy’s looks, or lack there of?

Okay, that wasn’t fair.

Wendy wasn’t ugly per se, she just didn’t stand out in a crowd, or a room, or an unoccupied elevator. Her brown hair was neatly split down the middle and dangled off her shoulders. Her brown eyes were fine, amplified by the thin brown frames that defined her face. Edgar liked glasses; this should have been a positive. The proper amount of blush lifted the cheekbones off of Wendy’s pale and slightly plump face. Edgar liked a little plump, rather preferred it to the heroin chic look some women adopted.

Shit she was talking again.

“Sorry didn’t catch that?”

“I said, how’s your baklava?”

“Oh. It’s okay. Nothing special.”

“I normally get a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.”

“Of course you would,” he thought to himself. “You’re the living embodiment of vanilla.” Edgar shunted those words to the side and instead remarked,

“I’ve never had it that way.”

“Really? It’s the best.”

“Sounds like it.”

The two thirty-something adults continued to let the scraping of fork on plate fill in the gap where conversation should reside. The waitress couldn’t come soon enough. The moment he locked eyes with her he would ask for the check and hopefully be home in bed in time to watch Fallon.

“Sooo, umm, when’s your birthday?” Despite hearing her clearly, the randomness and awkward delivery of her question caused him to say, “What was that?”

“I said, when’s your birthday?”

“Actually it’s next Thursday.”

“Awww. That’s cute.”

Edgar wasn’t sure what was cute about his birthday and craned his neck to find the waitress.

“I know what I’m going to get you.”

“Get me?” Edgar said out loud although he really wanted to say, “Why? We’re never going to see each other again.” The thought caused a laugh to bubble up from his stomach and he managed to chew back only half of the sound.

“What’s so funny?” Was that her defensive posture or just a sincere question?

“I don’t know. I guess maybe that you know what you’re getting me for my birthday.”

“Oh, one-hundred percent. And you’re going to love it.”

“Well, what is it?”

“I can’t tell you that, silly. It’s a surprise.” If Wendy was playing darts, her throw would have scored a double bullseye. A birthday present from a stranger was one thing. A surprise was something else. Edgar, for all his practicality, loved surprises. It seemed as if Wendy wasn’t as vanilla as she first appeared.

Until two minutes later, when the silence returned and the polite smiles were exchanged and a check was paid for and they stood outside the restaurant saying goodbye.

“I had a lovely time tonight. Thank you very much for paying.”

“Not a big deal.”

“Let’s make plans after your birthday so I can give you your surprise.”

“Umm, okay. Sure.”

“Good night, Edgar.”

“Good night, Wendy.”

The two adults shared a one-armed hug and made their way to their respective cars.

**********************************************************************************

Edgar was a man of few friends and many acquaintances.  Somehow, someway, he had befriended the receptionist at work and spent many a day outside smoking a cigarette with her. Until he started working at Preston & Young Advertising he had not smoked a cigarette since college. This job had come with good pay, great benefits and a pack a day habit.

If Edgar was going to be truly honest with himself he would admit that his friendship with Summer was more of a crush and his chances were slim and none. Summer was the perfect girl, beautiful and fun to be around. Bleach blonde hair, the perfect amount of makeup to pop both her face and her deep blue eyes and a body that she paid for in monthly installments. They were work best friends and Edgar hoped that someday that could evolve to something more.

“Oh my God, Eddie.” She was the only girl he ever allowed to call him that. “You still haven’t told me about your date last night!”

“Eh,” he said with a shrug. “Nothing really to say.”

“Stop! C’mon, tell me.”

“I don’t know. She was definitely a Plain Jane. Very blah.”

“Did you…”

“No, although I’m sure if we did I would have fallen asleep midway.”

“Stop!” She said with a smack to his shoulder. Edgar loved when she hit him. Edgar loved when she touched him in general. “You would not. Unless you’re boring too!”

Summer’s constant energy was both awesome to be around and exhausting. Edgar laughed at her joke. “Trust me, no one is falling asleep with me.” He must have stared a little too much or punctuated his words too hard because he felt Summer’s laugh change from genuine to slightly uncomfortable. If he didn’t immediately say something else she was going to put her cigarette out and the conversation would be over for today. Shit, say something! Edgar implored his mind to pull out some combination of words and something is what he pulled out,

“She told me she’s getting me a surprise for my birthday too.”

“What? Really? On a first date? Who says that?”

“I know that’s what I thought too!” Okay good, she was laughing for real again and they were back on track. Although Edgar wished her reaction was more about his upcoming birthday than the surprise. “I mean we’re not having a second date or anything like that.”

“What? Edgar you have to! She’s getting you a surprise! It could be anything. A puppy, a new car—“

“You’re forgetting for a second I’m not you.” Summer laughed, in her world those would be perfectly acceptable surprises from strangers. Not for Edgar.

“You still have to see her though. I couldn’t live the rest of my life not knowing what she got me for my birthday.”

“Really? You would go out with someone again, someone you have no interest in, just to get a surprise birthday gift?

“Oh my God, yes. Yes! If you don’t go out with her I will!” The two laughed, Summer’s more genuine than his. She dropped her cigarette to the floor, gave it a little twist with her foot and went back inside with Edgar following at her heels like a well-trained puppy.

***********************************************************************************

“Edgar? I didn’t think I was going to hear from you again.”

“Yup, it’s me! What made you say that?”

“We haven’t talked in a week. I thought for sure you didn’t like me.”

“No no, stop. Stop. I had a good time on our first date and was wondering if you wanted to do something Monday night?”

“Ahh, you have a weekend full of birthday fun?” Nope, not at all actually, Edgar thought to himself. He wanted to leave the weekend open just in case Summer wanted to help him celebrate.

“Yeah, you know how it is. Friends and family and you can’t say no, you know?”

“Oh believe me, I know. My aunts and I always have so much fun on my birthday.” I’m sure you do, he thought to himself.

“I can believe it. You want to meet at the Rusty Owl around eight-ish?”

“Ahh, would you mind if we go to the Green Gazelle instead?”

“Yeah sure, I think I know where that is.”

“Down by First and Austin.”

“Yeah, I know where that is. Still eigh- ish?”

“That works for me. I’ll see you then.”

“With my surprise?” Edgar couldn’t help himself.

“Of course with your surprise. And trust me, you’re going to love it.”

“Love it?”

“Yes. You are going to love this. I can’t wait to see your face.”

“Wow, I can’t wait either. See you then.”

**************************************************************************

The date progressed exactly like the first one. Same plain face. Same innocuous conversation. Same lack of chemistry. Edgar felt frustrated. Why did he agree to go out with Wendy again? The night had been boring with a capital BORING and the only thing that kept him going was the promise of a birthday surprise. He endured their asparagus appetizer and their entrees in relative silence. Where was this surprise? Edgar dreaded having to go to her apartment to receive it. If she gave him the present at her place he wouldn’t be able to leave right away. He would have to stay and endure more empty conversation, for at least a half hour.

Miserable!

All of these thoughts circulated around his brain as the waiter came to clear their table.

“How was your chicken?”

What was with her and her meaningless questions? Who cared how his chicken was? He ate it didn’t he? Edgar pushed aside his annoyance. The night was almost over, all he had to do was maintain.

“Hmm? Oh it was good. How was your salmon?”

“Delightful, as always. I love coming to this place.”

“Really? You come here a lot?”

“My cousin owns it.”

“Oh wow, that’s nice.” Edgar took his napkin and wiped the corners of his mouth. Just a little bit longer. That’s all. He would be home soon enough.

“Would you excuse me for a second? I’m going to use the ladies room.”

“Sure. See you soon.”

“You are such a cutie,” she said as she walked away.

“Yup, such a cutie,” he mumbled to himself. Edgar took out his cell and played around until she came back.

“Did you miss me?”

“Sure, yeah.”

“Edgar?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you ready?”

“Ready for what?”

“Your surprise?” At that he perked straight up in his chair. Finally! He could get his surprise and be done with the night.

“Close your eyes.” Edgar smiled and closed his eyes. He felt the anticipation in his stomach and just as he started to speculate what the surprise could be he felt a shadow come over him and people behind him. What the hell was….

“Okay, open them!” Edgar opened his eyes, saw Wendy’s happy face and was shocked by the multitude gathering around.

“Happy happy happy birthhhhhhhhhhday! Happy happy happy birthdayyyyy to you! It’s your birthday yeah, yeah, it’s your birthday and this is for you!”

Their waiter placed on his plate baklava with vanilla ice cream on top. Edgar stared, bewildered to the point of speechless as the assembly made their way back to whence they came.

“Happy birthday, Edgar!” His confusion overwhelming, he stared wide eyed at Wendy.

“Are you surprised?”

“Huh?”

“You said you never had baklava with vanilla ice cream before. My cousin makes the best baklava outside of Greece! I hope you enjoy it!”

“This is the surprise?” The disappointment etched on his face like a Samoan tattoo.

“Of course! What else could it be? After all, this is only our second date.”

“Yeah…second date.” He mumbled his words and poked at the dessert with his fork.

“But trust me, you’re going to love Christmas!”