Chapter 17 – W….T………..F

As a six-year old with a fucked up childhood I’d say I handled myself well in all my previous experiences. No matter the severity or the heightened sense of ridiculousness I somehow managed to come through relatively unscathed. Even if I couldn’t process what was going on I could deal with it. I would just add it to the list of shit I would tell my therapist in twenty years.

Time travel, however is a whole different list of shit.

In the interest of keeping it real I’m going to tell you flat out I cried. Loud crying cries filled with tears of the teariest tears imaginable. Flushed out cheeks, mucus mustache, sweat drenching my lower back into my anal cavity, I had all the symptoms of a good cry. That lasted about twenty minutes.

Throughout my anguished moans the following thoughts kept materializing inside my head:

How come no one had aged a bit in all the time I was here in the Denmarkian kingdom? Home come no one found it odd that we wooshed twenty-eight years into the future? How come I was still six and without a spec of pubes?

I was nowhere near an answer to any of those questions when I heard a slight cough coming from over my left shoulder. Without thinking I turned around and saw the cardboard cutout of the Princess staring back at me. Attributing the sound I heard to my imminent mental breakdown I returned to my salty tears. A minute later I heard the same coughing sound again, this time noticeably louder. Once again I turned around and saw the cardboard cutout of the Princess staring back at me. Once again I attributed the sound I heard to my impending imminent mental breakdown and returned to the lake of tears on my face.

“You know it’s rude to ignore people.”

Whaaaaaaa?

I turned around and saw the cardboard cutout of the Princess. For the first time the picture staring back at me wasn’t one of smiling gentleness. She had the furrowed brow of a person at the DMV. To save an adjective or two she was pissed.

“I’m tired of listening to little boys cry. Especially when they are crying for ridiculous reasons.”

At this point I didn’t care that I was probably hallucinating. If a cardboard cutout of the Princess was going to call me out on shit I was going to go right back at her.

“I think fast-forwarding twenty-eight years into the future is an especially good reason to cry.”

“Little boy, I hope one day you cease to be the pawn on the chessboard. Your whole life is one big manipulation. Don’t you want to be a King, both literally and figuratively?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then listen closely for I shall explain everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything you need to know right now. I can’t explain string theory or the mystery of the bumblebee.”

“Mystery…”

“No we won’t go down that road of confusion. Just shut up and listen. Do you remember playing “Stranglehold” and slaying the Alan Thicke?

“Yes I…”

“Everything from here on out is rhetorical unless I specifically tell you to speak. Of course you remember playing the guitar solo from “Stranglehold. How could you not? What you didn’t know, what you couldn’t have known is you killed an innocent man and his righteous army of half owl half men. Generations upon generations ago, Alan Thicke’s great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great Great Uncle Bvioal Un Wolaheoah was next in line to become King when his brother, King Ualeu Bun Wolaheoah died due to him and his wife, Queen Brenda Walsh never having children. The night before the King died, the royal advisor to the throne, Fred gave Bvioal a glass of grape Gatorade, which resulted in a deep coma and being buried in the woods outside the castle gate.”

“Actually I know all of this, Alan Thicke told me…”

“SILENCE! I told you this was a monologue and not to be interrupted. As I was saying, the next day the King died and without any sign of Bvioal, Fred was named King. His twenty-year rule is remembered as a time of great tyranny and oppression. Eventually the people of Denmark rose up, led by my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great Great Grandfather Sir Oovle Don Tooovle. Right before they could assassinate Fred, he disappeared and wasn’t seen for fifty years. That is, until my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great Great Grandfather the weak and spineless King Eddie Curry took over the throne. He was a slow, dim-witted and rather fat man who would rather eat and fuck then rule a kingdom. Fortunately for him, unfortunately for us a man showed up one day in the Royal Hall looking for work as an advisor to the throne. King Eddie Curry hired him on the spot, mainly due to his abhorrence of signing multiple pages on official royal decrees. The people of Denmark felt his presence immediately as liberties and freedoms were stripped. This time the people didn’t rise up and overthrow their corrupt government. They kept quiet. And do you know why?”

I looked at her, unsure whether she wanted me to answer. Turns out she didn’t because she took a breath and continued.

“Because of his unusually large left hand. People were superstitious back then and believed him to be a monster, or worse the devil himself. They were half right. You see Fred as been able to serve as advisor to the Royal Court all these years because he is an immortal, or as close to one as one can be. And the key is the size of his left hand. Every year he continues to live his left hand grows. And do you know how Fred was able to obtain this gift of his?

I shook my head.

“A man by the name of John Coffey, like the drink only not spelled the same. All we know is this man Coffey shook his left hand and cursed him. Unfortunately John was as kind as he was stupid and the people of Denmark have suffered ever since.”

“Wow.”

“I’m not finished. Do you find it strange that a cardboard cutout is talking to you right now? This time you can answer.”

“Yes” I said with firm affirmation.

“That’s because I am not merely a cardboard cutout of the Princess. I am the true Princess and if you don’t do something soon Fred will finally get his way.”

This time I let my eyebrows do the talking, slowing raising them up in confusion.

“He will have you killed, burn my image and finally bring about his ultimate dream.”

My eyes went wild with fear as I heard her finally finish her speech.

“To regain his place as King and Ruler of Denmark, with Kim Kardashian as his Queen.”

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