The next two weeks were a whirlwind of activity. The Princess and Fred were in the throes of planning the wedding, down to the tiniest detail. For instance, they went back and forth for two days regarding how we should enter the Grand Hall as newlyweds. There were two options. The first was to charge through an eight foot, thinly sliced piece of Canadian ham. The second was to walk through a ninety-foot crispy bacon bridge from the entrance to our thrones. To this day I wished we tore through the Canadian ham like a high school football team coming out of the tunnel although I understand why. Did your face ever come in contact with a greasy piece of Canadian ham? It’s brutal. Now factor in her makeup and the amount of cameras covering the event. Realistically, there was no way it could work. We had to use the crispy bacon bridge.
Marriage is full of compromises.
Fred was able to negotiate a very lucrative deal with E! for the rights to the royal wedding and we even scored the corpse of Joan Rivers to do a thirty minute red carpet special before the wedding. From watching her on television you would think the people who handle and maintain the corpse of Joan Rivers have an easy job and you would be sadly mistaken. I can’t tell you how many times during rehearsal her arm would fall out of socket, or her head would roll off her neck and down the hall. Each time the technicians would come out, reassemble her body and get her ready again for the next shot. Rumor has it that her face is actually a new plastic designed by NASA and her hair is simply an intricate layering of cats trained to not make a sound. Of course I say, “rumor” to prevent anyone from getting litigious.
When I received the behind the scenes tour they even let me play with the Joan Rivers voice simulator. Basically it’s a soundboard filled with quick jokes or barbs. For anything else E! has an eight person writing team that scripts everything via a wireless keyboard. Kirsten Wiig actually got her big break on the Joan Rivers Voice Writing Team.
And did you know Melissa Rivers is actually a hologram?
Okay enough of my fascination with the Rivers Project ™ let me get back to the wedding. Again you have to remember at the time I’m only six years old and I had a fierce battle raging inside of me. On the one side there was the firm belief that anything girl related would result in a fatal case of cooties. My life had been a never ending series of battles and the last thing I wanted to do now was to die from a disease I could avoid. On the other side was majestic, awe-inspiring, Muse on Earth like being that was the Princess. I understand now why I wasn’t allowed to see her until our wedding day. Such beauty would have caved my skull in. To bask minutely in her spotlight would have burned me alive. Thus, the staff placed inside my room an eight-foot cardboard cutout of her. Everyday for an hour I had to sit on my bed and stare at her, in that way I would grow accustomed to her. One guy on staff even suggested I get “hands-on” during my “staring hour” but I didn’t understand the reference until I hit puberty.
That man also had a thin mustache and a white van with the windows darkened, do with that info what you like.
The outside world still did not know the actual date of our wedding and this is where Fred, despite being a future asshole really earned his money and also when I came thisclose to a nervous breakdown. For weeks the internet was abuzz, trying to figure out our wedding date. In a genius maneuver, Fred convinced the producers of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” to use our wedding announcement as a storyline. To further drive ratings, this information was leaked to the press. If you wanted to know when the Denmarkian Royal Wedding was you had to tune in each. Finally, the episode in question aired. That week the show was centered on a vicious argument regarding whether or not clouds in the sky were drawings (Kris Humphries) or marshmallows (Kim). In the middle of the screaming Kourtney came in with her favorite accessory Mason and said they had a problem.
Kim turned her head with a flourish, allowing her hair to glide around her head gently like a flock of pigeons at Bryant Park and asked what could be more important than what she was saying at that very moment. At that moment Nielsen, the company in charge of television ratings announced that every single home in Australia tuned to E! and ratings in America shot up by 28% as people knew this was it. The following is a transcript provided by E!
Kourtney: We received an invite to the Royal Wedding in Denmark!
Kim: Oh my God that is awesome I am using words to show how happy and excited I am because I am a real person.
Humphries: When is it? I might have a game or something to do.
Kourtney: February 6, 2012
Kim: Oh my God it’s on Christmas!
Humphries: You’re stupid.
Kourtney: There’s only one problem, we only received two invites.
Kourntey: So I’m going with Mason.
End scene with dramatic music
I’ll never forget sitting in my room, watching that episode and finding out when I was getting married. Truly it was the happiest day of my life. I stood up and walked over to the cardboard cutout of the Princess and tried to imagine what it would be like to hold hands with her. They must be like the smoothest hands ever. I bet her fingers even taste like pancakes. All these thoughts were rolling through my mind when I stepped back and squinted my eyes shut. Something wasn’t right. I tried replaying the scene I just watched in my head and for whatever reason I was fixated on when Kourtney announced our date. What was the…
I was getting married in two weeks, on February 6, 2012.
But I’m six years old.
And I was born in 1978.