I would love to tell you all about what happened from the time the Nugent slayed the Thicke up until I woke up with most of Denmark surrounding my prone body. Of course I can’t because I was passed out and this is a work of non-fiction. What I can tell you is what they told me, all at once in a language I still didn’t understand.
Av mig God he’s vågen! Av mig God he’s levende! Allerkærest TOM du har blevet sovende nemlig henimod atten timer og vi var bange du var livløs! Du har overvunden den horribel Ugle Skabning og nyde oplagt os al af bestandig mørke! Vi skylde jer adskilligt men vi tal den prinsesse er mere end nok. Og nu nogen jo kunne konstruere den indre , opbygge en plan alarmeret babelfish og oversætte indeværende i det hele taget andenstemmer.
I stared at them blankly until Fred, the trusted servant of the royal family with the impossibly huge left hand stepped forward and shooed the crowd away.
“Are you alright?”
“I believe so” I stammered out with a hint of trepidation.
“Good, come with me.”
Fred scooped me up at once with the snow shovel of a left hand and brought me inside the castle. He spoke as he navigated the winding hallways of “Den Danmark ord nemlig Slot” Castle telling me how I have proved my worthiness to the Princess by vanquishing both Phil the Penis Eating Polar Bear and the Half Man, Half Owl Alan Thicke. All that was left was to finally hold court with Queen Briana, the woman who had brought me to this country seemingly eons ago along with her less famous husband, King George.
Fred pushed open the royal doors and I stepped inside a room a little smaller than Madison Square Garden. At the very end of the room sat Queen Briana, along with King George. Trumpets roared, rose petals exploded from canons on either side of me and a three mile red carpet charged towards me, coming to a stop an inch from my right foot. Denmarkian cheers filled the air and they sang the song of their forefathers as I walked down the red carpet.
Ready or not here we come
Gettin’ down on the one which
We believe in
One nation under a groove,
gettin’ down just for the funk
(Can I get it on my good foot)
Gettin’ down just for the funk of it
’bout time I got down one time
One nation and we’re on the move
Nothin’ can stop us now
(Aye aye aye aye aye)
Feet don’t fail me now
Give you more of what you’re funkin’ for
Feet don’t fail me now
Do you promise to funk?
The whole funk, nothin’ but the funk
Halfway down the aisle I paused for a glass of Grape Gatorade, freshly made from the hillside below and two chocolate chip cookies. Fred made a face, not of malice, more of a mental note and patiently waited while I swigged the last drop of grape goodness. As I stepped back onto the carpet, Fred’s freaky left hand grabbed my left shoulder and whirled me around.
“There is one thing you must know before you talk to the King and Queen. King George is one hundred percent stone cold deaf. He will pretend to understand everything you’re saying for the benefit of the common people but he will communicate to you in a series of winks and blinks.”
“But how will I know what he’s saying or what I might be saying to him?”
“Don’t worry about that, King George is a pro.”
Feeling a tad out of sorts, I hopped back on the red carpet and finished my stroll towards my destiny. Queen Briana didn’t wait for me to reach her throne before she began calling out to me. Immediately the crowd stopped singing and listened to the exchange.
“So you will be the one who marries my daughter.”
(Remember, I’m six and I fell in love with the word a couple of chapters ago. Figure you’ll be seeing the word at least seven more times before this story is finally over)
“Have you nothing to say to your King?”
I realized there was nothing I would say that would be as important as the tics my eyes made. I also realized that up until this moment, I had never winked in my entire life. After all, an ottoman doesn’t wink.
“Hello King George. It is an honor to finally meet you and your wife. I hope to make you a noble son and provide a good example to the fine people of Denmark.” The people cheered my words and Queen Briana smirked in approval. I had nailed it. Everything was perfect.
Until I sneezed.
King George had been reading my eyes the entire time and had liked everything he was seeing. He started to stand up and join in on the applause when my two eyes slammed down involuntarily due to the sneeze. Instead he slowly sat back down on this throne and made a feverish series of winks and blinks. Now we all know I did not speak the secret Language of the Eyes but even if I did, his was such an advanced set of eyes that I would have stood no chance whatsoever. The only thing I did understand was what followed.
King George unsheathed his sword from behind his throne, stood up and tomahawked the Queen in half. Bathed in blood and deaf to the horrified screams surrounding him, King George winked his left eye twice at me and gave a slow motion blink before decapitating himself.
The crowd screamed and a riot broke out. I stood there, covered in blood and gore staring at the carnage on the throne twenty feet away. I would have been trampled for sure if not for Fred, who grabbed me with that hand of his and threw me against the wall. My head smacked the wall with a thump and I started to protest his treatment with me before he covered my mouth with his normal hand, looked me dead in the eyes and said,
“If you don’t like the effects, don’t produce the cause.”