The next two weeks were a whirlwind of activity. The Princess and Fred were in the throes of planning the wedding, down to the tiniest detail. For instance, they went back and forth for two days regarding how we should enter the Grand Hall as newlyweds. There were two options. The first was to charge through an eight foot, thinly sliced piece of Canadian ham. The second was to walk through a ninety-foot crispy bacon bridge from the entrance to our thrones. To this day I wished we tore through the Canadian ham like a high school football team coming out of the tunnel although I understand why. Did your face ever come in contact with a greasy piece of Canadian ham? It’s brutal. Now factor in her makeup and the amount of cameras covering the event. Realistically, there was no way it could work. We had to use the crispy bacon bridge.
Marriage is full of compromises.
Continue reading “Ch 16 – Somebody’s Getting MAAAAHHHWEEEEED”
The space satellite Fred called a left hand lingered on my face for what seemed like five hundred and thirty-two days as my still developing brain tried to process what had just happened. I could still imagine the site of Queen Briana squirting at me and I was pretty sure King George was all over my face. Panic reigned supreme as the Danish crowd screamed in shock and horror. If you’ve never heard a bunch of Danish people freaking out, imagine the sound produced by a Chinese guy playing the accordion.
It was horrible.
Continue reading “Chapter 15 – Six-year-olds Cannot Drop F-bombs”
I would love to tell you all about what happened from the time the Nugent slayed the Thicke up until I woke up with most of Denmark surrounding my prone body. Of course I can’t because I was passed out and this is a work of non-fiction. What I can tell you is what they told me, all at once in a language I still didn’t understand.
Av mig God he’s vågen! Av mig God he’s levende! Allerkærest TOM du har blevet sovende nemlig henimod atten timer og vi var bange du var livløs! Du har overvunden den horribel Ugle Skabning og nyde oplagt os al af bestandig mørke! Vi skylde jer adskilligt men vi tal den prinsesse er mere end nok. Og nu nogen jo kunne konstruere den indre , opbygge en plan alarmeret babelfish og oversætte indeværende i det hele taget andenstemmer.
Continue reading “Chapter 14 – A Wink is Just as Good as a Blink to a Deaf King”
Sometimes a man says, “Aye” without meaning to. Your mind is saying,
“Oh no no no. Absolutely not. I have no idea how to play a guitar or what a “Nugent” is. These are all impossibilities and although I sympathize with your situation, I cannot extend a helping hand. I am now off for my morning constitutional, good day sir.”
Continue reading “Chapter 13 – FOOBO”
Let me tell you something, I still get the creepy crawlies whenever I think about that half owl half man whooting long and hard into the night. I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing and weaving up and down his long, crusted neck. His blue eyes rolled to the back of his head, yet his arms and legs stood perfectly still. If I had to pick one word to describe the seconds I had to endure during this time frame, I would easily choose, “off-putting.”
Okay, that’s technically like a word and half. But currently I’m on a bus to Des Moines, Iowa to defend my Mr. Canada championship against James Earl Jones. Don’t worry, it’s a long story and we have plenty of time to get there. As for right now, you were looking to hear what happened next…..
Continue reading “Chapter 12 – The Pink Orchid”
The ground was seconds away and I braced for impact. Whatever happened next would not be pretty, of this I was sure of. Throwing my hands over my eyes I waited to hear the inevitable bone snapping sounds echoing throughout my body. Instead, I felt my feet hit the ground without pain, surprising me enough to cause me to tumble forward, and then completely down a grassy embankment. Fifteen minutes later I came to a halt flat on my back at the bottom of a dank grassy ravine. Somehow, someway, lady luck had reached out and saved me from certain demise. Or maybe it had everything to do with the window being on the first floor. Regardless, I was alive, filthy and in need of a plan.
Continue reading “Chapter 11 – War Is Coming”
The events following the death of Phil are somewhat a blur. I know that as soon as the voice spoke, there was a loud click and the blinding light disappeared. Of course I still couldn’t see anything because my field of vision was impaired by the massive helmet covering not only my face but half my body. Next, I heard the door open and a torrent of foot steps come flooding into the room. I felt random hands lift off my polar bear blanket, and I could feel other hands scoop up my limp frame and carry me off to God knows where. From there everything went black.
Continue reading “Chapter 10 – My Pussycat”